Would you like a pet, but you're allergic to animals? Don't have time to take your pet for a walk? Do your neighbors give you the cold shoulder because your dog spent the night barking?
Forget all those problems and welcome into your home the best pet anyone could have: We present to you the
Stone Pets :
Owning a pet comes with a lot of responsibility, so here's a guide to caring for and training your pet:
Care and training of your pet rock
CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the owner of a rock pet.
You and your pet rock.
Your pet stone will be your faithful friend and devoted companion for many years. Stones have a very long lifespan, so you won't have to separate them (at least, not on their part). Once you complete the training phase, your stone will mature into a loyal, obedient, and loving pet with one purpose in life: to be by your side when you want it, or away from you when you no longer want it.
A rock pet is perfect for people who hate, are allergic to, or simply aren't allowed to have animals. With a rock pet, you'll never have to worry about not wearing a muzzle or leash, or have to clean up any smelly messes. Your pet will never wake up your neighbors at 3 a.m. Rock pets are welcome everywhere.
Initial training
No one wants a wild rock that doesn't know how to behave. Therefore, it's very important that you begin training it immediately. Your rock pet needs to know who's the boss around here and that there are certain behaviors and manners it must adhere to so that the two of you can enjoy a healthy and happy relationship.
Limit your training sessions to 15 minutes, twice a day. A single half-hour session is not recommended, as Rock Pets have very short attention spans.
Remember: a bored Rock is not a happy Rock.
The first section of this training manual will cover simple obedience commands: COME, STAY, SIT, etc. ENTERTAINMENT tricks will be covered in the second part of this manual.
No special equipment is required to train your pet. Surprisingly, a rock is one of the pets that responds well to training without the need for leashes or collars.
The first thing is to select a special training location. Always use the same spot for all sessions until the stone shows signs of progress.
SECTION I
Simple Obedience.
Come
It's essential that your pet rock learn this command. A rock that doesn't come when called is a source of endless embarrassment and shame for its owner.
We assume you've already named your pet rock. If you haven't already, please give him a name before continuing with obedience training.
To teach the command COME, place your rock on the ground and take a couple of steps back. Then, bend over slightly, place your arms on your knees with your hands open and palms facing up. Look at your rock. Now, firmly and authoritatively, say: COME, PANCHO (If you haven't called your rock Pancho, you may want to call it something else). Repeat the command, COME, PANCHO.
Assuming your stone is normal, it most likely won't respond yet.
Start over.
Lean over your stone, clap your hands, and smile while saying: COME PANCHO, GO BOY, COME ON, COME ON, and things like that. Very important, now start walking very slowly toward your stone. Incredibly, as you walk toward your stone, you'll notice that your stone is actually moving closer to you. This means your stone is learning the COME command.
Congratulate your rock and pat it with approval.
NOTE:
Many rock pets have tremendous difficulty learning the COME command. Many owners have complained that their rocks were dumb, stupid, or suffered from some kind of delay because of this.
Well, this is simply ridiculous. Training a rock to come when called requires extraordinary patience. It's very rare for a rock to jump into its owner's arms when it first hears the command. And although it takes time to train a rock to come when called, the problem isn't in the rock's ability to learn commands, but in the fact that rocks have a very hard time learning their own names.
So we ask you to be patient, stay calm, and be kind to your stone.
Still
The next command to teach your pet is STAY. It's very important that your pet rock learns this command, as it's very disconcerting to have a rock pacing around while you're shopping or getting a haircut.
Return to your training area and place your rock on the ground. Look directly at your rock (eye contact is very important) and give it the command, STAY. Surprisingly, most rocks have no difficulty learning this command and respond obediently the first time they hear it.
Repeat the command, STAY, and slowly back away from your rock. If your rock moves, and this is highly unlikely, shout the command again while gesturing with your arms fully extended, showing the palms of your hands. Soon your pet rock will respond to this command every time you say it. With a little more patience, you can get your rock to obey the command simply by using the hand signal.
Sitting
This command is easy to teach your pet rock, since rocks spend most of their time sitting. However, it doesn't hurt to refresh their memory, since you want your rock to sit when you want it to, not when it wants it to.
Place your rock in the training area and give it the command: SIT. Many rocks will try to trick you by lying down, thinking you won't know the difference. This behavior is not acceptable! If you say SIT, your rock must sit, and that's it.
Here's a simple method to ensure your pet rock always obeys your commands:
Repeat the command: SIT, and slowly move away from your rock. Now, hide in another room and occasionally spy on your rock to make sure it hasn't moved. If it lies down when it should be sitting, enter the room and yell, BAD ROCK, BAD ROCK! Your rock will know it has disappointed you and will sit back down. This way, it will also learn who is boss.
Once your rock pet learns the SIT command, add the STAY command. Your rock will remain seated until further command.
Lying down
It would be cruel to leave your rock sitting forever. Therefore, it's essential to teach it the LIE DOWN command. After your rock has been sitting for a while, it will appreciate the opportunity to relax a bit. It's also nice when you have guests over to have a rock pet lie discreetly and affectionately at your feet.
Teaching the DOWN command is easiest if used in conjunction with the SIT command. After your stone has been in the sit position for a while, give it the command: DOWN. If you've had a hard time getting your stone to maintain the sit position, it may be more reluctant to move now. Place your foot on top of your stone and push firmly against the mat. It won't be long before your stone understands what you want it to do next. DOWN is another training command that most stones respond to with minimal teaching. It's in their nature, and they learn to lie down very easily.
Congratulate your stone and gently give it a comforting hug.
Standing
You're a little confused if you think you can teach a stone to stand up. Stones don't have feet.
Behind
It's extremely unusual to see rocks wandering around unaccompanied. And there's good reason for that. Most rock pet owners have had the patience and good judgment to teach them the BEHIND command.
To teach your pet the BEHIND command, follow these simple steps. First, place your rock on the ground directly behind you. Then give it the BEHIND command and remain completely still. Very slowly, without moving your feet, turn your head and look at your rock. You'll be pleasantly surprised to see that your rock is still there, where you wanted it to be, right behind you. Your pet rock has learned the command.
Congratulate your stone.
SECTION II
Entertainment Tricks
Few pets are more eager to please their owners than rock pets. It's surprisingly easy to teach your pet some cute tricks, which will entertain you and your friends for hours.
Wheel
Your pet rock will learn this trick the first time you teach it. Although it may seem hard to believe, it's completely true.
The best place to teach your rock to roll on the command ROLL is on the side of a mountain. Place your rock on the ground at the top of the mountain and give it the command ROLL. Now release the rock. It's that simple!
Your rock will begin rolling down the hill and won't stop until it tires of the game. Rocks usually tire of this game when they reach the top of the hill. Follow your rock to the top of the hill and congratulate it profusely. This praise will make your rock very happy, and it will love to repeat the trick as soon as you put it back on top of the hill.
You'll tire of this trick long before your rock does.
Dead
Your rock pet will pick up this trick immediately. This is one of the most entertaining tricks a rock pet can learn; a trick that will bring warm smiles to your faces and those of your friends.
Take your rock pet to the training area, and when you have its full attention, give it the command, DIE. If your pet is like most rocks, you won't have to tell it twice. It will immediately freeze completely, as if suffering from rigor mortis, and will remain in this position until you give it a new command.
The stones really like this trick, so much so that even when you're not looking, they're practicing it alone. It's not hard to walk into a room and find a pet stone playing dead.
Shake hands
Don't be ridiculous. You can't teach a stone to shake hands.
Make the frog
Rock pets love water, but as everyone knows, they're terrible swimmers. However, teaching your rock to do the frog flip on the surface of the water is very important. To do this, the first thing you need to do is find a narrow stream, a small pond, or a pool. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS TRICK IN A LARGE BODY OF WATER! Hold your rock firmly in your hand, give it the command "FROG!", and flick your rock across the surface of the water. More often than not, your rock will hop frog-like across the water to the other side. If your pet can't make it to the other side, it will sink like a stone. If this happens, you'll need a new rock pet. :-(
Take
To teach your rock pet to CATCH, throw a stick or ball as far as you can. Then, throw your rock pet as far as you can. It's very rare, if ever, for your rock to come back with the object, but that's how it is with rocks.
Attack training
A rock is a loyal and devoted pet that can be easily trained to protect you and your family. Woe to the thief or prowler who dares to enter a home guarded by a rock pet, or to the mugger who tries to harass a rock pet's owner.
There are two basic attack methods to teach your rock pet.
Attack from afar
Close-quarters attack
Attack from afar
On occasions when your opponent is at a distance (like when a bully throws sand in your face at the beach and runs away), your pet rock will respond to the challenge immediately and effectively, ensuring that it never happens again. First, wipe the sand from your eyes. Then, grab your rock, shout the command "ATTACK!", and hurl the rock at the bully with all your might. This method of protection is a sure shot and results are guaranteed, but you'll probably want to practice your aim before attempting this maneuver.
Close-quarters attack
If you're being threatened by someone up close, always use this method. It's the best method of personal protection. The element of surprise is essential in this method, making it doubly effective.
When your opponent approaches within arm's length demanding your money, jewelry, or credit cards, follow these steps:
Reach into your pocket or purse as if you're going to comply with the mugger's demands. Take out your pet rock. Shout the command "ATTACK!" and hit the mugger's head with the rock.
Rock pets really enjoy this type of attack and in most cases come back from the attack in a somewhat excited state.
NOTE:
Owners of trained attack pets have a responsibility to society to use their dangerous pets only for protection and not to instigate or create problems of any kind.
In summary
As the owner of a
pet rock, you have taken on the responsibility to love and care for this new member of your family. If your rock misbehaves, be patient. If it causes you problems, learn to forgive. Under no circumstances should you abandon your pet. The world is currently overflowing with unwanted and discarded rocks, and millions of them must be destroyed each year. These poor, unfortunate rocks meet a brutal end in roadbeds, as concrete, or as earth fill. Don't allow your pet rock to meet an untimely end in a dark pile of rubble. Remember, if you take care of your rock, your rock will take care of you.
Translation and adaptation of Gary Dahl's original 1971 Pet Rock manual.
